Paige Hassen: JRN

I’m going to be honest- I have been avoiding writing about this. I’m not even sure how to process the whole situation in my head, let alone write about it. I feel in shock over this whole coronavirus outbreak. I guess a good word to describe it is numb. I have been blocking my mind off from thinking about everything that I have lost and continue to lose every day, and lately I have barely felt anything. We’re officially in week four of the “quarantation”, so I’ve had plenty of time to think about the situation, yet I haven’t. Just thinking about thinking about it hurts. I’m worried that if I let all of these feelings in then I’m going to be taken over by emotion.

Don’t get me wrong, I completely understand this lockdown situation with my whole heart and mind, I really do. People’s lives are more at risk now than they have been the entirety of my life, and I 100% agree that as a world we need to do everything possible that we can to protect as many people as we can.

At the same time, the situation as we know it has taken so much from me. I’m still a senior in high school, and this year is supposed to be one of the highlights of myself and other seniors’ lives. The last trimester of senior year has the majority of everything that you look forward to in high school since you were in elementary school. Prom, graduation, the last day of school, last sports season, last senior night, last fun day, last oscars awards, senior skip day, saying goodbye to everyone, signing yearbooks, and so much more. It’s one of the most look forward to moments of our lives so far, and we’re missing it all. It almost feels like a knife to the chest. I know that’s a dark metaphor but that’s how it feels.

If I would have known the last day I walked through the halls was going to be the last time, I would have really taken the time to look and remember. If I would have known that seeing some of my teachers that I have grown up with over these past few years was going to be the last time, I would have looked them in the eye and thanked them. If I would have known the last time I opened my locker was going to be the last time, I never would have closed it. If I would have known that my last school dance was my last school dance, I never would have stopped dancing. If I would have known that the last minute I played a sport was going to be the last minute I ever played a team sport, I would have taken the deepest breath and held on to it. I wouldn’t have saved all of these “best for last” memories for last. I never thought all of my lasts were going to be my lasts.

I would have closed my eyes and really felt all of those moments because those moments were the last moments of some things you only experience once in a lifetime.

I wouldn’t have looked forward to the next sports season if there wasn’t going to be one, because in that moment, that last moment that I would ever experience what the last 13 years of my life has been about, that moment would have been my moment to say goodbye. I don’t get a moment to say goodbye and I can’t put into words the hurt that causes me. For everything sports have meant to me my whole life, I deserved to have that last moment. My best memories come from sports, and I don’t get a proper goodbye.

In reality, I would much rather lose all of those experiences than lose a grandparent, family member, or friend to the virus. I understand the realness of the situation we have on our hands, but the situation doesn’t understand me. It doesn’t understand the feelings that go along with some of these lifetime milestones. I know that sounds selfish, but I have been looking forward to these moments for a very long time. The memories that I would have made in these last few months are the memories that are supposed to last a lifetime. They are supposed to be the last time you get to see your classmates and friends, and you’re supposed to make the most of it.

I thought I had a few more months. A few more months to make memories. A few more months to have experiences. A few more months to say goodbye.