Paige Hassen: JRN

With the school year coming to an end, I don’t have a lot of final thoughts. Am I happy to be done with classes? Yes, but only because I have lost a lot of motivation recently. I might even miss my high school and college classes, because they’re really the only things these days that give me a sense of order and schedule. In times like these, I feel like people need a sense of order to stay sane, myself especially.

I still have to finish out my senior year of high school, which will end on June 5th. This school year was supposed to end differently, obviously. I feel myself wanting to go to class less and less every day. Now that I have finished my college class, it’s a little weight off my shoulders. All I have to do is make it through my last high school class without having a breakdown, and then I can have my whole summer to recover from this agony I’m in. I am so beyond stressed these days that it’s starting to have an affect on me.

There is an annoyance within me that is on the rise with every added day of the pandemic quarantine. I fell like I want to sleep all the time, stay in my room all day, be lazy, eat a lot of junk food, and basically not do anything ever. I am so frustrated with life right now that I am even becoming annoyed with myself. Every night I go to bed thinking I will do better the next day. I tell myself that I will eat better, be productive, work out, go outside, or do literally anything that isn’t lazy or destructive. Every morning I break that promise to myself, and every day it gets worse. Then I get frustrated and repeat the whole process over and over. I would absolutely love if tomorrow was the day I change my quarantine habits. You know what? Tomorrow is the day I will be better. Maybe now that I have it in writing on my blog I’ll actually do it. I am at the point right now that if I do one tiny thing one day that is somewhat productive, I am happy.

With the stay-at-home order being extended for another two weeks, another part of me has slipped away. The hope I have for life returning to normal no longer exists. Almost everything is going to change post-lockdown. People will look at germs and sanitation differently, airports and airlines will look at health and safety differently, restaurants and food places will execute things differently as well. They say people don’t like change, and the change that is about to happen is a big one. I’m not saying it isn’t a necessary change, because for people’s safety it is, but it’s just a lot to process and handle in a short amount of time.

It might sound selfish, and it probably is, but I just want my summer. I want to be able to have the last good summer before the rest of my life starts. In the fall I will start college (hopefully). Then I will be in college for the next four+ years, and then have to get a job. My life already was going to change in a monumental way, and the pandemic adds so much stress to it all. Myself and the rest of the class of 2020 have had our last, and most important, high school moments taken away from us. Now we might have our first, and most important, college experiences taken away from us as well. It’s heartbreaking. I feel numb because I have blocked off everything I am feeling lately as protection against what the world is putting everyone through.

If I had to give up some of my most important life experiences for a people to be safe and live, I would do it in a heartbeat. Nothing is more important than life. But with that being said, it doesn’t mean I won’t be devastated from some of the losses.

Thank you for sticking with me this semester. It means a lot in times like these. 🙂